feeling a little crazy tonight ... not wanting to sleep .. so many things are running through my mond and I am feeling lonely.
Ryan hasn't called, big shocker there eh..? Not really I don't expect him to call or show up for a while... He is on the run... running to where I have no idea, I hope he is happy when he arrives though.
So many changes will be happening and I am feeling frazzled...
I have a ton of support even all of you guys here ... your words on the screen keep me up and going.
I know I am on the right track it is just getting through the moment to moment that is the hardest... especially at night...
I mentioned I am lonely, yes I am missing him, his touch and just everything... I am depressed in a way that I will never again feel his arms encircle me and hold me close... And then I think of scenerios where he may be holding someone esle and I get sad and mad and just upset.
I feel I am making the best choice here ... I just wish it wasn't such a hard process to go through...
I just want this feeling to pass, although I know I must go through it if I do plan to heal from this.
There are times when I think... my god I can't believe how well I am handling all of this, being strong for my self and the kids... and then times like now I feel so broken and in need of a shoulder to cling to someone who will stroke my hair as I cry out all of the tears.
I want to feel secure again... I want to feel genuinely happy... even if it is only in short spurts now and again...
I know it will come I just need time to work it through...
I have the kids to focus on and I have been thinking of all of the bright things waiting for me in the future...
The world is open again to me and My time is all of my own... I just need to find some sort of distraction until I can get out there and fully enjoy the freedom again unteathered...
Hopefully the dtate will get my gas turned back on tomorrow then I can go through and do a bunch of cleaning I want to do... I have a bunch of stuff I need to pack up ... things that I am letting him have... then I am gonna go through the house and simplify my life by getting rid of some of the crap that has been hanging around and cluttering up this place... I want to take all of the pictures of the two of us down, but, I wonder what the kids may think of that... I suppose I could just ask, I have been open and honest about this whole situation so far.. Me telling them I would like to put the pictures away because they make me sad wouldn't be so bad would it...?
The kids and I wasted a couple hrs. tonight in the pool. it was nice to get out and not have to think about anything while the kids and I splashed and laughed. Tomorrow is the county fair and my parents are taking the kids and I ... Yet another few hrs. taken up where hopefully my focus will be deterred...
One day at a time... Breathe in breathe out... go on... until it doesn't hurt so badly anymoe... That day will come just when though i do not know.