I've had a really LONELY weekend... Despair set in Saturday afternoon and I didn't see an end in sight. I sat in my car watching the kids play at the school park crying like a baby.
I also started a paper diary... Basically a discussion I have running in my head, but I've started letting it out on paper.
It's all hitting me day by day that I am All alone... from now on it is just me.
Loneliness sucks more that just about any other emotion, Mostly because it is coupled by the feeling of worthlessness and desparation. and those are about the darkest you can go.
I was supposed to be evicted today (Well they set my 30 day notice dated today) I talked to my landlord and worked out a deal where i paid half of what was owed ($650 which I borrowed reluctantly on their part from my mom and dad ) and then a promise of payng a lil bit each week and he'll hold off on the eviction altogether. Buys me a little time to see if I can get into something I have applied for that goes according to my income. I will find out if I can get into the tribal housing I applied for within a few weeks, a month ... Really really crossing my fingers for that place...
As far as the social front. I went all weekend talking to NO one except for my dad on Saturday morning.
I just wish I had something to look forward to, for a while I was all about changing my life and making things better... welcoming newness... but now I realize there isn't anything new to embrace... it's the same old stuff ...
Ryan told me he will be renting a place from his aunt Nov. 1st and evidently his girlfriend will be relocating down with him ( she can transfer her job ) How nice that will be for him.
I am so tired of feeling this way...